Personal Story for the week of 11/9/15-11/15/2015 (First Post)
For the past few years of my life, I have lived in a mental state of intense insecurity and self-pity; there’s really no other way to put it, and I can’t be ashamed to admit it. It sounds terrible, but the truth is vital, and we need to know it. For the past few years, I have found an excuse, or a person to blame, for pretty much everything wrong about me, and my life. I have mastered the art of creating fictional enemies and bad circumstances, just to escape the reality that I am the main person who’s ever done me wrong, or caused misfortune upon my life. NOBODY, and I mean NOBODY, has held me back, hurt me, manipulated me, lied to me, discredited me, disrespected me, or made me feel like complete valueless shit more than I have myself. So one day it hit me. I was sitting outside and it was around the time of day when the sun starts setting, and I looked to the sky and started bursting in laughter. I uncontrollably started laughing, and out loud said to myself “I can’t believe I’M the fucking enemy, I can’t believe I’m the one who did all of this shit to myself.” I started to think in reverse about my past, and I realized that maybe only 5-10 people had called me fat in my entire life, versus probably the 100+ who had called me beautiful. I realized that every person up until that point who tried to show me love, I completely sent away, or possessed over them enough, that I subconsciously was planning it would drive them away. I looked at the sky and smiled, and then I looked down at my feet and back up to the sky again. I took a picture of the sunset and said to myself, I am so over this shit already. I am so over being the problem. If anybody’s going to love me or give me the life I want, it’s going to be myself. I am so over this insecurity.
From that day forward, creativity started firing through my brain cells again, I started to come back to life. I could feel my imagination and happiness electrify my soul. My true and authentic self-started breaking through the surface, and day by day it started getting easier to accept myself. Simply that, just to accept myself. I get out of the shower and dry off my body, and I think, I don’t give a fuck, I’m hot as hell exactly how I am. When I start to struggle and anxiety hangs over my shoulder about my future, I tell myself, I’m fucking smart, I’m not going to fail. I’m going to do exactly what I say I’m going to do.
For the past few weeks, I have learned the importance of having boundaries with ourselves. I have learned there comes a time when we must take control of our lives, and tell our minds that enough is enough. It was never the world, it was never my family, it was never my friends, or my circumstances- this entire lifetime of misery and sadness was manifested through me and my persistent drive to hate myself.
My Mother has told me my entire life, “Love your life Olivia. Love your family, love your friends. You have to love more! Love, love, Love!” On that note, some of the greatest spiritual leaders of all time as well have said “love your enemies.” So finally it just hit me, there are no enemies that I need to love, there never has been. The only enemy that I’ve ever had, was myself- and that’s the one person who I have failed so greatly at loving.
Here’s my message-
Please love yourself. Please curse yourself out when you start thinking negatively about you. Please stare at yourself and rub lotion on your body, and tell yourself that you’re fucking sexy and a work of art, because YOU ARE. Wake up every day with integrity and drive, and force your self-esteem to vibrate with intense power. Do not be your own worst enemy. Do not break your own heart, or poison your own mind. You are all you have, and the world is cruel enough. So please, start to love yourself. It’ll be the best thing you ever do. All of what you are, the good, the bad, the ugly, and even the dumb, love every single part of you. Forgive yourself for the pain that you’ve caused on yourself. Don’t waste one more second of your life not being able to truly live it.
Olivia C #OYEEZYVIBES