On November 20th, 2015 I was on my way to Orlando, FL to visit the University I will be attending in January 2016, and to sign my lease at the apartments I will be moving into as well in January.
Since the day I was born I’ve lived with my Mom and I am also an only child. My Mother and I have always said to each other “Me and you against the world,” so you can only imagine the emotions of the day between me signing a lease knowing I’m moving to a city alone in 2 months, and my mother having to send off her only child. The day was exhilarating, exciting, but above all- a life changing emotional day.
As I said earlier, I was raised by a single mother and it was always us against the world. As we’re sitting at Cracker Barrel enjoying how delicious our meal is, I received a Facebook message from a boy who is related to my biological father. As I read the content of the message, my eyes instantly started to water and I went to the bathroom. As soon as I got in the stall I began to cry, and as I write this now my eyes fill with water.
For anyone who has been abandoned, abused, neglected by a parent, or knows what it feels like for your parent to not love you, this will be something you can relate to and understand.
As I was crying in the stall, my stomach started to hurt and I was crying real and true tears. Not the emotional sad tears that fall from our eyes 90% of the time. I’m talking about the tears that come from the bottom of your stomach and roll back behind our brain, just to come out of our eyes like a vicious waterfall. Tears that are filled with pain, pain that has rotted inside of your subconscious- and now that it’s been touched, those tears are coming out like you’ve been hit by a truck, but you survived, and are laying in the ambulance feeling yourself die.
For privacy purposes I won’t state what was exactly said in the message.
I told my mom what happened once I left the bathroom and she couldn’t believe it, she was infuriated.
This was my day. This was my exciting day to start my journey, this day was supposed to be happy. For probably the 24824274292th time, I was proved once again that you just never know what life will throw at you.
I responded to the boy bitterly because I was hurt; I had been hurt for 20 years. The fact alone that a relative of my biological father had to Facebook message me as a middle man from something my biological father wanted to let me know, made me want to vomit.
When we got to the university I shut off that event from my mind entirely. I was not going to let a man who caused me heartbreak for my entire life to ruin my ONE day. We got lunch, we walked around and took pictures, we signed my lease, and it was still my day- I was still happy as hell and felt blessed beyond belief. I had lightness in my heart because I knew in 2 months I was officially about to start a brand new chapter of my life.
On the way back home to Tampa I was still in bliss, Orlando was perfect, my apartment was perfect, and my mother who was making all of this possible was absolutely perfect. Despite any wrong doings, any mistakes that ALL parents make, and all children make- I have a mother who from the day I was born has loved me unconditionally and done anything in order for me to be happy. She’s worked hard, dealt with my hatefulness, my selfishness, my phases where one day I was wearing hot pink eye shadow and had a septum piercing, to the phases where I was wearing hats and had interest in girls. Only my Mother was there. Only my mother would lay down at night and pray to God about me. Only my Mother would give me her last 20$ bill so I could go to the movies with my friends. Only my Mother was there for every single thing I’ve ever gone through in my life.
On the nights I couldn’t sleep and I would cry myself to bed, I could go in my Mothers room and cry and sleep with her. It was always us against the world. I was given the perfect mother who was made just for me.
That night when I got back to Tampa I cried, and I cried, and I cried myself to sleep. I laid in my bed and I had no thoughts, no words, all I could do was cry, and cry, and cry.
The following day I received a Facebook message from my actual father and my initial feeling was fear. Who was this person and why did he want to talk to me now after 20 years? Where the fuck was this man when I was crying in high school because I was lost about my future and needed guidance? Where was this man when I didn’t know how to treat boys or what to think of boys because I never had a male figure at all? Where was this man when I needed the love and words of a man? Who was this stranger and why was he talking to me NOW? Now that I am actively blogging, starting at a University to pursue my dreams, moving away, and basically at the happiest point of my life so far.
I didn’t know what to say so I said nothing at all. Later that night my family came over, the other 2 women in my life that love me unconditionally, my Aunt and my Abuella. We were sitting on the couch and I was telling them all about my day in Orlando, how spacious the apartment was, how excited I was and how incredible the day was. Then, as I’m sitting expressing my joy, I received another Facebook message from my Father expressing how he’d like to talk. I look at the message, and in mid-sentence talking to my family tears began to fall from my eyes. I curled up sideways and inwards towards myself, and leaned on the sofa putting my hands over my eyes. I started crying uncontrollably. My mom now lit inside on fire, knew what it was already, and explained to my family the situation because I was crying so much I could barely get a word out.
I wanted to respond, but I didn’t. I wanted to be angry, but I was sad. I wanted to be mean, but for some reason I felt bad for him. I was confused and hurt, and not ready to confront this. But the time had come, and it was now or never. I replied basically asking “Why Now?”
The response I got back to sum up, expressed how my mother was the reason for him abandoning me, he reminded me of the one time he took me to the park when I was 1 to almost 2 years old, he expressed how I should not judge him until I meet him, he told me how he’s closer to my half-sister who I also have never met, and then he apologized for bothering me and hopes I don’t hate him. This was basically what was said between 4 short different messages all sent to me within 10 minutes. The first message was when he said he hopes I don’t hate him, when I read those words my heart genuinely broke in half. I held my stomach and leaned on my Abuella and just whimpered and cried like a new born baby who can’t help but to weep and cry, because the world is so scary to them after being inside a stomach for so long.
She began to cry, and my aunt began to cry- but my mother did not shed a tear. She was boiling inside. She said to me, “He should be crying for you, he should be crying like that over you, he doesn’t deserve your tears, for 20 years he has been one of the biggest sources of your pain, and again, look how he hurts you, and on his side, I bet he’s not crying at all. He didn’t even have the decency to truly contact you. He’s messaging you on Facebook as convenience, he can’t even pick up a phone.” My mom stormed out of the living room, she was so angry at the situation because as if the pain my whole life wasn’t enough, now I was crying and hurt again because of him. Then I read the part where he blamed my mother on why he wasn’t around, and my tears immediately came to a halt. Instantly.
Wait a minute- blame my mother? My mother? The mother who has apologized to me over and over again my entire life because she wished I had a father, and wished she could do more for me? My mother who received court reports in the mail my whole life because my dad wasn’t paying child support and his license was being suspended? My mother who has done everything for me? How could my mother be the blame for my father, a grown ass man who never even picked up the phone to call me- how could my mother have anything to do with me and him having a relationship? Then, I started to snap out of my feelings.
I had been sick to my stomach since breakfast at Cracker Barrel, but more importantly, I had been dreaming about having a father that loves me for 20 years, I had been going to bed at night after every softball game when I was younger crying that I didn’t have a Dad who could coach the team. At every Honor Roll assembly, homecoming dance, prom, graduation, when I looked out at my family, it was my mother who was always there. I never had a dad. I never received a single gift, a single birthday card, I don’t even know what his voice sounds like. For 20 years of my life I had been in the living rooms of my friend’s house observing how they act with their fathers and wondered how I would act as a daughter with my dad if I had one. My entire life I have been carrying pain of abandonment because I had to accept the fact that I had a father who did not love me. I had to accept the fact that someone who is half of me did not love me, did not want to be in my life, and did not want me.
I’ve suffered from this and I’ve been emotionally insecure for 20 years because of the absence of my father in my life. I’ve always wondered if I ever get married who will walk me down the aisle? I always wondered how it will feel when one day I love a guy and he lives with me, how will I respond to a man’s affection and love? For those who have a shitty dad, it sucks just as bad- but at least you can paint a picture of him in your head. For those like me, who truly have that empty hole in your heart, that blank space where your fathers love and guidance was supposed to be- I want you to know that I know how much it hurts. I know how confusing it is to decide your feelings for a stranger who is technically your dad. When your father is absent, you literally are empty- you can’t hate him because you don’t know him, you can’t want his love because you don’t know what his love is like. You just have this hanging mystery that lurks over you and hurts you every single day subconsciously for your entire life. You can’t be at peace with it because you have no source of information to conclude with. Everything you feel and think is all subjective, it’s what you want to feel and want to think, but in reality, when your father is absent, there is a void in your heart that you will never be able to understand.
After crying to my family, especially to my abuella saying things like “how could he not love me, how could he miss out on being able to call me his daughter, how could he just not care about me, how could he just message me like im an old friend, how could he hurt me so bad” my abuella got firm and told me, “Olivia, everything you’re telling me you need to tell him. You need to let it out, all of those feelings, all of your pain and questions, everything you are so hurt about and crying about you need to tell him. Let him know how he’s made you feel. Let it out so you can be at peace.”
I responded to him after about 30 solid minutes of crying and talking with my family in the living room, and this was my final message:
“The judgement I have on you ***** is because you abandoned me for my entire life. I’ve seen all the pictures, I know every place you took me and I remember the time I saw you when I was 9 years old and you came to nana’s house to visit me. You visited me for 10 minutes like I was nothing but a stranger. I was only worth 10 minutes of your time. Just like now I’m only worth a Facebook message to you. I remember everything *****. And my mom never told me to cut you out or anything like that. My mom has done everything for me my entire life. Every single thing I’ve ever needed my mom is the one who was there and you never were. You owe me thousands of dollars’ worth of child support. You owe me a life time worth of pain that I’ve felt because I had to grow up without a father. If you really really wanted to know me you could have. I’m older now. And I know you’ve seen me on Facebook probably for years. And I know you know ***** better than me. If you wanted to love me and be a father to me you would have and it wouldn’t have mattered about my mom. You would’ve tried for ME. You could’ve been there for ME. It has nothing to do with my mom. All I ever wanted was a dad and you’ve lived in Tampa, you know I’ve been alive, you know where my abuella has lived my entire life. If you truly truly wanted to know me ***** you would have gotten to know me. You’re trying to blame abandoning me for my whole life on my mother when it was your choice. You chose to not be a father to me. And now I’m a grown ass woman who grew up into a beautiful and smart girl. And you should regret it for your whole life. Your absence in my life has broken my heart every day for my entire existence. You’re a grown man and you could have chosen to fight for me, to fight for a relationship with me. You have to live with that just like for the past 20 years I’ve had to live with knowing I had a father who didn’t love me.
And no matter what, you ARE my father. So I hope you take care too. It does suck. It sucks a lot *****. But what sucks the most is you missed out on getting to know me and watching me grow. That’s what sucks the most. And I will be hurt over that for my whole life. I hope one day you forgive yourself and one day I forgive you. Take care *****.”
For my entire life I let the wound of my father not being a part of my life weaken me. It has made me insecure, fragile, and embarrassed. It has made me feel unlovable.
He never cared about me and yet has had a hold on my emotions and subconscious for 20 years. After I sent that message, one answer I had been seeking for awhile finally came to me. (ironic, because my last post was about how things happen for a reason and answers come to us at the right time)
It finally hit me that my father did not love me because HE as a man never deserved my love. I realized that for all these years I was sad over someone who was not sad over me. I was wanting love from someone who didn’t exist, I wanted love from the dad I created in my mind that I was missing out on- when in reality, that dad never was real. That father in my head was a figment of my imagination. Finally after 20 years of emptiness, wandering, and suffering I finally came to the realization that my mother is Superman, and she was who I always needed. The strength and anger I saw in my mother that night when he tried to contact me was an anger I had never seen before. I realize now that it was disgust and shame. She couldn’t believe that after 20 years of all her hard work to provide for me, after what an amazing day where she felt complete and total happiness for me, a day that she felt so proud of HER daughter, all that I’ve accomplished, all of the people that love me, after 20 years, all he could send me was a weak ass Facebook message.
Like I said to my father in my last message, I do mean it when I say that for my whole life I will be hurt. I will be hurt because the one man who contributed to my birth is the one man who decided not to love me. That hurts. It hurts so badly down to the core; it is haunting, it feels lonely, it is emptiness, it is a type of pain that damages the entire mind, heart and soul of a person forever. It will always hurt.
But I don’t feel that this all could’ve happened to me at any better time.
In 2 months I will be moving away and starting a new chapter in my life. The pain and baggage that I have been carrying for the past 20 years finally needed to come to an end. That hole in my heart needed to be healed before I can truly go on this adventure and grow as a person. I had to let go of that burden before I could ever be able to live in happiness or truly love someone else. Because now I understand what love is, and I couldn’t see its meaning until I was proven exactly what love is not.
That is what my Father did for me- he showed me what love isn’t.
Now I see clearly what love is, and I thank my Mother for that.
Here is my message to all of you who are carrying the baggage because of your father’s mistakes, those of you who have been walking around with a broken heart because of your father’s mistakes. This is for all of you who cry, and feel pain, and sadness because of your father’s mistakes.
Throughout this week and experience I have learned a few painful lessons, but here is my general message to all of you who can relate and are still reading:
Nothing hurts more than knowing someone doesn’t love you, but please try and remember that you don’t need anyone in your life who does not love you.
I don’t care if they share your DNA, I don’t care if they live with you, I don’t care if they have known you for your entire life- anyone who abandons you, neglects you, or doesn’t love you, you are better off without.
Please trust me on this. Even if it’s your own Father.
You are surrounded by love. Everything around you is love. You have love flowing in and out of your life all day long every day of your life, and if your dad decided to neglect you, you don’t need to feel pain from him any longer- he has done enough.
If your Father can willingly abandon you, do not feel bad for deciding to accept that, and moving forward with your life without him.
I have learned that sometimes, it IS too late. Sometimes no matter how much it hurts, and how much you want a person’s love- if you needed their love, you would have it.
Everything I am, all of my strength, all of my wisdom, the amount of love bursting in my heart for the world, and the amount of love I have inside of me that I can’t wait to give to somebody someday, is all because my Father never gave it to me, and that psychologically fucked me up. He couldn’t give me all of those things, so I gave them to myself.
I am the person I am because I had to endure the pain of knowing the one man in my life who was supposed to love me, didn’t. But instead, I was healed because I have a Mother who does, a family who does, friends that love and admire me greatly, I have people who don’t even know me that message me and tell me how much they wish they could know me. I have so much love around me, and I will never shed one more tear in my life over my father again.
I may have never received the love I wanted from my Father, but I received it from a million other different places and people, and in a million different ways. Me focusing on his absence made me not realize how much love actually HAS always been around me, and how lucky I actually HAVE always been.
So please, do not carry the pain of your childhood anymore. It has passed now. Do not carry the baggage of your father’s mistake. Take that L and let it make you stronger.
The real thing to be sad about is being a man with a child that you never gave your love to. That is the real tragedy, and every father on this Earth I hope lives with that forever.
That may sound bitter, but I am writing this from a bitter place. We don’t have to forgive people for hurting us, but we DO need to accept the situation and understand that it was all a part of our development. We needed it to happen, and we can find peace once we understand that. We needed it to happen in order to be who we are today, and who we are ought to be.
You don’t have to forgive your father for breaking your heart, but you do need to stop blaming him for your pain. You do need to let go of the hurt he caused you. You do need to move forward, and realize all of the people in your life that probably do love and support you, there are probably many people who would do anything for you.
I am now starting a new chapter in my life and a weight has finally been lifted off my chest that I have been carrying for 20 years.
The point is, you have to let go of the pain people caused you, or else you will never be able to truly develop into the person you are supposed to be. You will never be at your truest sense of self or reach happiness when your heart is still aching over the abandonment someone left you with. Let THEM live with that. A father not loving their child is a terrible mistake that one must live with forever, the child on the other hand, who eventually becomes an adult, can decide to accept it as is and no longer carry the burden of what happened in their childhood.
There comes a time in life when we have to take responsibility for who we are and what we are doing. We have to let go of our childhood pains and realize that we are adults who can make decisions for ourselves. We must come to the realization that we are in control of our life and our emotions, and anyone who has caused us such a large amount of pain, we can forgive, or be done with. It’s our choice.
Off with their heads!!!!!!!! *in my Queen of Hearts from Alice in Wonderland voice*
Realize how worthy you are of love, realize that as a baby and a child, you didn’t deserve anything that happened to you. You weren’t in control of anything that was going on.
Realize how lucky a person should feel to be loved by you. Realize how special love is, and how naturally someone should want to love you.
Realize how much love is actually around you.
Love yourself. Love those who love you, and love them hard. Love them as hard as you’d want them to love you.
Radiate love everywhere you go and onto every person you meet.
Anyone would be lucky to be loved by you, and if they didn’t want your love, you’re better off without them anyways.
People make mistakes, and people make decisions. No matter what, we have to live with them both.
So live on, and live happily.
With Lots and Lots of Love,
Because I have so much to give