Its Monday 4:30 PM exactly and I have no idea what to write about. I have a few stories from others I could use as a topic, I have a few lessons I’ve learned this past week, but all I can think about is the fact that sometimes I just don’t know what to talk about. I wish I had the drive in me to write about something powerful and inspiring this week, but that’s just not who I am today.
There are times in my life, and very often, when I simply just don’t know what is going on, what I’m doing, what I’m feeling, and I just don’t know what to say. Sometimes I don’t know who I am, and I just can’t find the words to explain anything.
As I study religious leaders, I pray to God, I ask others about their indecisiveness- and every day it becomes clearer to me that really nothing makes sense, and sometimes we as humans just don’t know.
I as a human with emotions and thoughts, sometimes just don’t know.
This week “The Wiz” aired live for the first time and one particular quote stuck out to me. The Wiz, (Queen Latifah) said something like, “Oh Dorothy, the places you’ll end up if you don’t know where you’re going.” I apologize for not putting her exact words but there is no transcript of the script yet available on the internet so I’m going off by memory. But truth be told, as soon as I heard those words come out of Queen Latifah’s mouth I let out a “PREACH!” right to my TV. Then I lifted my hand up to God and said, “YES! Real. As. Fuck.” A few days later, an Alice in Wonderland quote started traveling in and out of my head, “if you don’t know where you’re going, any road will get you there.” Both of these quotes extremely similar, but spoken in different context- have been making me feel indecisive.
I believe in the way it was spoken in The Wiz, but I feel it in the way it was said in Alice in Wonderland. There is always this imbalance for me between what I know and what I feel.
I mean, just from the Dad story I wrote last week I already feel different now than when I wrote it. I’m a different person today than who I was when I was writing that story last week. I mean, I’m still sad. Ya know? But I can never seem to find a balance between my mind and my emotions, and this always leads me to the feeling of being lost.
The way The Wiz was expressing this logic was in a way of precaution. The Wiz was saying to Dorothy basically, if you don’t know where you’re going you can end up in many bad places you don’t want to be. Which is very true. While from the Alice perspective, if you just go along with the road, eventually you’ll find the place you’re supposed to get to. Which is also very true.
Both of these ideologies have been battling against themselves for the past few days inside of my head.
I battle between my faith and my logic. I battle between my dreams and my goals. I battle between what I know and what I trust. I battle between what is right and what I feel to be true. I keep battling to find certainty and I’m starting to realize that maybe it just doesn’t exist.
Because sometimes I just don’t know, and I can’t lie to myself and act like I do.
We know what we know, and we know what we don’t.
There’s really no way around it- and it sucks.
I believe we’re here on Earth just because we are.
We have strengths, and we have weaknesses. We have talents and we have flaws. What we decide to do with those is what will create the means of our life.
If we don’t know something, maybe it’s because we’re not supposed to.
Maybe we just need to keep testing things out until we acquire higher levels of understanding. Maybe we just need to keep on pushing and one day it will all make sense.
In the mean time though, not knowing does feels terrible.
I know so many people in the world beating themselves up because they don’t know, because they feel this enormous amount of pressure to reach clear understanding and certainty- this strive for prompt perfection. I know these people, and I am one of them.
Although I struggle with this myself, I am here to tell you that I’m pretty certain none of it exists.
We decide what we know by choosing to believe in what we believe.
I believe I was meant to do great things, I believe I will make an incredible wife one day, I believe I was meant to help heal others through my own pain. I believe in God and that he created the Earth. I believe that nature is healing. I believe that every single thing that has happened to me was meant to happen up until this very second. None of this is certain; but I believe it- so it is my truth. It is my certainty. Even when I have doubt and I feel lost, I trust that this is my truth because it’s what I choose to believe.
You can live by the Bible, you can live as a Man of Logic, you can be the philosopher, the skeptic, the artist, or you can be the average joe- and there will always be times in your life where you don’t understand anything. There will be times where you don’t even understand yourself. There will be times when you just don’t know, and the beauty of that is- you don’t have to. Just keep going.
But I can’t lie, it still feels shitty. It’s still a sad feeling not being able to have super powers where we can just know what were supposed to do and who we should be. It sucks that we don’t ever truly have certainty.
We shouldn’t become flustered and stopped in our tracks just because we’re a little lost or off track though. Maybe we need a minute to reroute.
It’s okay to go down different roads, it’s okay to take U-Turns, and it’s okay to sometimes crash.
Sometimes we just don’t know, man. It’s just life.
I wish I had a better answer for you all, but I don’t.
I don’t think anybody does.
Sometimes we have no idea why we’re here and what we’re doing, and I have a feeling that’s never going to stop. It’s highly likely that we will feel lost from time to time for our entire lives.
But it’s in those moments of being lost, where we end up finding ourselves, where we can recreate ourselves, and where we decide which route we want to take next.
Maybe once we figure out everything we don’t want and everything that we aren’t, maybe then all the right things will finally make sense and be clear to our eyes.
So now it is 6:31 PM exactly and I still don’t know what to write about.
I still feel sad, and I still am not comfortable with indecisiveness.
But I’m sure I’m not the only one who is still in this place.
I’m still in route, and you probably are too.
I just keep listening to music. I just keep pushing through.
Trust in the process.
Get comfortable with your feelings and understand that they’re valid.
There’s nothing wrong with feeling lost. You may not know yet, but you’re on your way. You’re trying man, you’re going to get there.
I believe it.
I promise its building you. I promise its all a part of the process.
Sometimes we just don’t know, but we just have to trust.
With lots and lots of love,