As I was driving home today on my 30 minute commute back to my apartment from the mega bus station, it was a rainy cold morning and the roads were clear. A gold Toyota and me had been driving on the same path for at least a solid 10 minutes and as the Toyota would go around me and get in front of me, I would follow and do the same. After another solid 5 minutes of doing this, I pass the car- look at the driver, and me and the man both start smiling and laughing, so of course I hit the gas and continue to get in front of him. It then hit me that this act could be called multiple things by multiple different types of people: a race, speeding, playing games on the road, reckless driving, just trying to get somewhere quickly, being a dick, etc.. but to me, I was just getting ahead.
I found insight in this moment and realized this was an innate instinct for me- to get ahead. To another driver, I could be considered an asshole; people have honked at me, people have beaten me in our “racing games,” but at the end of the day- I’m just trying to get ahead. So am I wrong?
What exactly is the purpose of a race?
To get ahead of all others in the race with you.
To me, this was a just act. To him, on his facial expression I can tell it was probably a race- either way, both of us began to laugh, and it granted me even greater desire to get ahead because he had acknowledged what I was doing, and that gave me confidence to continue doing what I wanted to be doing.
It started to dawn on me the rest of the 15 minutes back home that very often people are just being just, and other people are doing the same exact thing but they have another word or definition for it.
Many times I have spoken my mind and did not apologize because I was just being just. I was being honest. To me- if I am being true to who I am, I am just being just. That can either be accepted, or not accepted. There’s really no other way around it.
Should people be considerate of others feelings? Yes, of course- but to the point where they are not in alignment with their true self? Absolutely not.
I just moved to a brand new city only 5 days ago, and I have learned many things about myself in these short 5 days that never were possible for me to learn in my old environment.
When you throw yourself into a new life, you are bound to discover new parts of who you are. I’ve come to terms with the fact that I am okay with being just. I am okay with being who I am. In fact, I am thrilled to adjust and discover hidden aspects of myself that I never knew existed before now.
It seems like in moments of change, and even sometimes in moments of desire (like wanting to get home soon) people’s animalistic habits come out, and cardinal ways come to life. Which in my opinion, is who we really are. In astrology, that would be a person’s moon sign. To Freud, that would be the ID in a person’s subconscious.
Do people with good sense choose not to use it? Perhaps.
Perhaps some of us would simply rather race.
“To thy own self be true.”
If you are still living your life worrying about pleasing others or describing your actions by other people’s morals, choice of words, or definitions- I suggest that you immediately stop. You need to find your truth, discover what your standards of just are, and ride with it- no looking back. Don’t ever feel bad about being true to who you are and what you feel.
Don’t ignore your instincts.
Let go of the idea that you must do the “right” thing. The right thing to do is always what you want to do. Maybe later on in retrospect you may have wished you would’ve done something differently, chose different words, done something at another time- but never regret something that you meant in the moment. Never regret listening to your instinct and making a decision that felt right with your soul at the time. All we have are these moments and we don’t have time to regret what we did with them.
If you were being true to yourself, you were just being just, and people can either accept that or get out of your way.
I have reached a point where I genuinely don’t care about what is just for anyone else, because I can only be just for myself.
- Just, defined as, “guided by truth, reason, justice, and fairness. In accordance with standards or requirements.”
If you are doing what’s best for you, you are being just.
When you are in alignment with who you really are, you are doing what’s best for everyone- because you can only help others after first helping, and understanding yourself.
For the first time in my life I don’t feel bad about putting myself first. I don’t feel bad about having a little fun on the road, I don’t feel bad about being so engulfed in the happiness of my new apartment and my move to a new city, I don’t feel bad about anything- because I am in alignment with what matters to me, therefore I’m seeing things for what they really are. I feel stronger in my own shoes, more grounded on my own 2 feet than I ever have before. As a new semester approaches or may have already started for my college students reading, do yourself a favor and this semester do yourself the most amount of favors. Stop being ashamed of your true instincts, wants, and desires. Listen to them, pay attention to yourself, and create your own language to define who you are and what you feel. Get your points across clearly, and find peace with being just- even if it feels wrong, I promise you it is not.
Stay true, stay strong in your mind, and whatever you do- do not play yourself.
With lots and lots of love,