After a month of zero blog posts, I hope I can still wish everyone a happy New Year! I only have one question- has it been happy? These past 3-4 weeks have been ROUGH for me. I haven’t been able to get myself to blog at all. My days have been quiet, but ingenious. January has been a slow month, but despite the painful slowdown of reevaluating, I still feel as though love has heavily been in the air.
It feels like I’ve been standing in the eye of a tornado for this entire month. Not until the 23rd when the full moon in Leo happened (this is astrology stuff) I didn’t feel inspired or motivated at all. But the full moon did something to me.
Leo is the sign which represents self, the inner child, the heart, and the creativity a person uniquely possesses. On the night of the full moon I started to realize that for the past 3 weeks I’ve been worrying about all that could go wrong, and all of negativity in my life instead of just enjoying my life for what it is. I hadn’t been in touch with my inner child, my inner creativity, my heart, or myself.
Usually January brings many changes, and for me- between a new city, home, and school, my life has been in a flux. A complete and total flux to the point where I don’t even know what the fuck has been going on, or even what day it is.
I wouldn’t change it for the world, though.
I have been in a completely new environment filled with stimulation. I have been around so many new places, norms, and people, that I feel like I’m living in a haze-like dream.
For majority of people, January is a time to self-evaluate and reflect.
What do I want to do differently this year? What happened last year that I don’t want to happen again this year? Who do I need in my life, and who needs me in theirs? Who is the person I am trying to be? Who deserves my love?
We are very skeptical in the beginning of a new year.
So I am here to remind you that 100% of your life is honestly just this big, long process that you believe you have total control over, but you really don’t.
Small events can create big changes, and one little mix up can recreate your entire path.
Ask yourself, can I love the parts of this person that don’t deserve me? Can I love this part of my life even through the pain and darkness it brings me? Can I still believe in a better me even though I am the worst person I’ve ever been before? These are questions that matter and deserve “yes” as an answer. These questions promote true acceptance and love.
Have you realized yet that you are only human?
For these past 3 weeks I have been analyzing everything in my life and within myself to the point of borderline-insanity.
I want to understand everything. I want to be ahead of everything. I want to be prepared for everything.
I’ve come to realize, that’s impossible to do.
Since I haven’t been in a state of understanding, and instead discomfort- I haven’t been able to smell the coffee and realize how beautiful my life actually is.
What do you desire? What do you truly, deeply desire and wish to manifest?
More importantly, do you know how many people love you?
Do you know how many people want to see good things happen for you?
In the smallest of moments, I have learned the absolute most this month.
Like the time I sat with these 2 ladies on Campus and talked to them for almost 2 hours to at the end of the conversation, realize they were Jehovah witness. Instead of me feeling weird, I embraced them as human beings, got their business cards and let their words inspire me.
Who am I to judge someone who is different than me? Who am I to declare what is weird or not?
Loving others is possible even if they’re different from who we are. Before I left one of the ladies said to me, “It was a blessing to cross paths with you today Olivia. You are such a spiritually sensitive person, and people like you are the minority of today’s world. You are a very special girl, and I know God must have very big and important plans for you, to give you such a large amount of wisdom and spirituality at such a young age. Don’t let anything take that away from you.”
“Spiritually sensitive.” I had never heard that before, but it felt like a perfect fit. It touched me and gave me a new sense of identity.
I have been surrounded by so much inspiration these days. I even started wearing my cross again on my necklace, and I never realized how many people notice and bring it up in conversation like, “Oh, you wear a cross? Are you a Catholic?”
It takes me a step back every time because I still don’t understand the need to declare a religion. You don’t have to have an identified religious affiliation to wear a cross on your neck and feel close to God. You don’t need to explain these things to people either. Faith is one of those things that doesn’t need a reason or label. Really, nothing does.
We feel what we feel, and we know what we know.
People don’t have to understand, and you don’t have to care.
This is why I believe it is so important to be in touch with yourself because then when others try and sway you, you cannot be moved.
Once you know what it is inside of you that puts purpose in your life, nobody can make you feel different about it. And that’s okay.
On the first week of classes I changed my major to Anthropology because one of my professors inspired me after saying, “Are you an observer of people and life? Do you watch people and create stories in your head? If you do this, you are doing anthropology. Anthropologists want to understand life and people more than anything. That is anthropology.” In that moment I knew, Anthropology needed to be my major.
So many positive and uplifting events have been happening to me, but I’ve been so clouded by the distortion and feelings of loneliness that I haven’t been able to see them. But on the 23rd while one of my friends left from visiting me and said to me, “I go on your blog link to see if you posted anything and you haven’t. What the hell Olivia? People are waiting for you to post. Go post! Just write.” It really hit me. She was right. What was I waiting for? Why couldn’t I bring myself to write?
But there I go again, trying to understand everything to the point where I can’t even happily just live and be. After she left, her words touched me and put magic back into my mind and heart. I went outside on my porch and looked at the moon, so powerful, beautiful, and alive. I talked on the phone with my Mom and she told me all about her day and clarity entered my mind. I thought to myself, “wow, I have so much love surrounding my life.”
The Buddhist quote “When the student is ready, the teacher will appear” floated through my head, and I had realized inspiration finally came to me after a month of emptiness because I was finally open enough to receive it.
So as I was on the phone with my Mom and staring at the mesmerizing full moon, all I could think about was love.
Love, love, love.
My greatest source of inspiration, my reason to get out of bed every day, and the greatest force in my life.
Love- the answer to all.
I abruptly realized that in order for me to free myself, I had to be myself.
Try and internalize the idea that the world is waiting to love you.
People are waiting to love you.
Life is waiting for you to love both the light, and the dark within yourself- so it can begin to make all of your hearts greatest desires come true.
Blessings are waiting for you, but you have to be ready to receive them.
I am slowly, painfully, but surely- learning to love my life in a way that I never have before.
I am happy for every day that I am above ground.
I am learning to love, love, love.
And I’m learning that through all of the negativity and discomfort, to push, push, and keep pushing through.
Although blogging has been hard for me to do this month, and probably because Mercury is retrograde (more astrology stuff) Ironically, I have been writing in my personal journal that I have had since 2012 often. I looked back on something I wrote on January 6th 2016, and I wrote,
“I feel like I can do whatever, but as much as I thought I could be whoever- in a matter of 2 days I’ve realized I can’t. Happiness isn’t a destination and you can’t recreate who you are. But maybe now I can finally find happiness with who I truly am.”
I’ve been scared to admit these emotions have been pounding in my mind this month. I have felt lost, but through this feeling of being lost- I feel like the chances of me genuinely living in my truth and finding myself are very possible and near.
Great things are always on their way, and the greatest thrill in that, is that we don’t even know they’re coming, or what they’ll be. But we know they’re on the way- and that’s gotta count for something.
We are becoming better people every day even when we can’t see our own process.
I’ve been trying to find things to write about for almost an entire month, and it has restricted me from simply writing what I feel.
Feelings are scary, but in moments of fear we have 2 options- run away, or run through; I choose to push through. I choose to love.
Do yourself a favor for the rest of this month and find the courage to accept yourself.
Truly accept yourself, and do things that you’ve never done before.
I have never woken up and gotten ready in 20 minutes without putting on makeup ever in my life until this week. I have never sat and talked to Jehovah witness people. I have never had roommates and hung out with them while I just got out of the shower and look like complete shit, yet feel comfortable and free. I have never taken a shuttle to a university and talked to a stranger every time I choose a seat because they’re next to me, and I like to talk. I have never lived in the moment this purely because my life has always been in a subconscious routine. I’ve never even really been religious, but for some reason- I’m wearing my cross and praying every day. I have no idea why now, but I don’t fight it. It feels nice. I’m writing down my deepest feelings every night before bed. I’m walking outside in Nature just for the peace and quiet, just to feel at one with the Earth. I’m doing things that I’ve never done before, and it’s scaring the shit out of me/making me feel liberated all at the same time.
I worry, who will I become if I start to live a different life with different routines and patterns?
Then I realize again for the millionth time probably, that is the beauty of life and the human experience; we change.
We can’t stay the same person and live the same life forever.
We have to push forward no matter how scary and uncomfortable it is to do.
We must love our lives and wake up every morning with the mentality that “Today is another day to live and love my life.”
We are given so many chances to change our perspectives and change our minds, but we can become so mentally foggy from the toxic beliefs we’ve been carrying around that we can’t even see the potential of happiness vibrating right in front of us.
So please, do yourself a favor- a favor you will thank yourself for later.
Live, and love; and just keep pushing.
Have faith in a greater world, a greater love, a greater life, a greater power, and most importantly, a greater you.
Believe in more, and more is what you will receive.
I know a lot of people feel iffy about Astrology, about God, about the idea of manifestation, and other sorts of mystical ideas- but I’m here to tell you that I am a big ass ball of these 3 ideas. I am a believer with deep and profound ideas rooted in my being. I have no interest in converting any of my readers into believers, but I do desire the opportunity to touch and inspire your lives by speaking on things that I feel and think of- only because of the beliefs that have touched and inspired me, I think of and feel these things.
I am a writer, I am an astrology junkie, I am an anthropology major, and I am a person who complains about bad habits but can’t stop eating ranch sunflower seeds or stop drinking coffee.
I am a person who understands the human soul, the human heart, and the human mind in a very gentle way.
I know what it feels like to feel a lot of things.
For all of January I have been repressing these feelings. I have been terrified to feel them, and especially to expose them for others.
This will happen no more.
So ask yourself, what is it that you truly desire? When you lay down at night, what is it that you truly love and think intensely about? Who are you when no one is watching?
Do yourself a favor, and find the answers that are already sitting right inside of you.
Love, love, love.
Push, push, push.
Happiness is waiting for you.
Thank you all for reading my emotional garbage wrapped up in gold.
It means the world to me.
It’s what I lay down at night and think about intensely.
With lots and lots of love,