I didn’t believe I was beautiful until December 19th, 2015. I had a “going away to college” party with all of my family and friends, and my Mom decided to make a toast later in the evening. As everyone gathered around the kitchen counter top, and my friends passed out champagne glasses, I stood there frozen in shyness and embarrassment. I felt fat. I felt like everyone was staring at the makeup on my face and judging how much I had on. I felt like my legs looked flabby and pale, and I definitely should’ve curled my hair instead of straightening it.
I stood there fooling everyone, like I had been doing for my entire life- and then my mom said 3 words that struck me to my core. My watery eyes bolted at her, and the 3 words she spoke shook my bones.
As my mother raised her glass and everyone’s cheeks were warm and rosy, the house stood still like a home- and my mother said to me,
“You are fearless.”
For the first time in my life, I realized what that meant to me. All my life I had felt out of place, ugly, annoying, fat, etc.
I felt terrible things towards myself, and what I wanted people to see was my spirit.
Beneath all of the insecurity and self doubt, a confident and lively spirit existed inside of me.
When my mother told me that I was fearless, it put me in alignment with myself and snapped me into perspective.
Yes mom, I am fearless.
Yes everyone, I am fearless, and my electric spirit does make me beautiful.
In that moment, she sparked a light in me that continues to burn.
And these days, I’m really on fire.
These days, I feel like a total genius, like I’m just that BITCH.
Not in an ignorant or dehumanizing way, but in the way where my confidence is at an all time high.
Maybe its because we're finally in Pisces season (aka MY season) and we have a new moon/solar eclipse happening in Pisces coming up on March 8th...........
Honestly, that's probably exactly why..... Neptune trining the sun? AND my sun sign being Pisces? Yeah, that's why- but FUCK, THIS IS COMPLETELY BESIDES THE POINT.
BACK TO THE STORY!!!!!!
I would like for my readers to ask themselves these 3 questions:
- How do you react to yourself when you think you look good?
- How do you act around others when you know you look and feel good?
- Do you ever feel like you look good or feel good?
Think about your answers and then ask yourself,
“Self, what type of messages am I sending?”
A lot of people are so insecure that they don’t even realize how attractive they are. The way they slug around and look to the floor, the way they reject compliments and fidget around groups of people because they want to cover up their entire body and face.
Are you insecure?
Do you worry about how others see you?
I know you’ve been told that before.
But really, you shouldn’t.
The days of self-consciousness, leave those behind you.
The days of hating yourself, comparing yourself, hiding yourself, and every day that you’ve felt unworthy or not in someones league- leave those days behind you.
You’re wiser now. Right?
I once heard a woman on the phone say,
“If you feel ugly in it, guess what? You look ugly in it. Ugly! How are you ever going to look beautiful in something when you yourself don’t believe that you’re beautiful? Feel beautiful, and you’ll look beautiful. It’s that simple baby, that’s all it takes.”
I was happy I got to hear those words come out of that woman’s mouth- and I was happier knowing that whoever was on the other end of the call, had a woman in their life worth listening to.
For the majority of my life, I had it all wrong. I used to feel less confident when I was around confident people, and the more confident they were, the more I would shrink.
Again, I had it all wrong.
So even on the days where I feel gross and I feel unworthy- I know I am unique, and I am beautiful.
These moods that weigh us down aren’t logical. There’s no valid truth behind any of them. Quite frankly, every time a person partakes in feeling sorry for themselves, they’ve dug a little deeper into the hole of pathetic characteristics.
When you know you’re beautiful, any other opinion of you should be immediately deemed as invalid- and when you’re standing next to that woman with perfect skin, a nice ass, long legs, and she’s standing there owning it, you should go ahead and own it too.
YOU ARE THAT BITCH.
Nobody can be compared to you.
Take pride in all that you are, all that you’ve been, and all that you’re trying to be.
As many times as I’ve been called fat, ugly, “you’re just not my type,” or been in my most dreaded predicament, the 50/50 bitch trap- hot enough to mess with, but not sexy enough to be claimed.
Yes, I know what it’s like. I know what it’s like to let other peoples opinions destroy my self esteem. I know what it’s like to be rejected. I know what it’s like to be the ugly friend, the fat friend, the weird friend, even the friend that nobody likes. You name it, I’ve been it.
But in case you haven’t realized it yet,
let me remind you- insecurity will guarantee you a miserable fucking life.
You will never be everyone’s cup of tea, but that doesn’t mean you’re not a hot and delicious cup of tea on your own.
Or even better, a strong and flavorful shot of espresso.
Whatever you are, whatever you look like, just own it.
Free yourself from the chains of insecurity.
Just as I did that day in November, and still do every day that I am given.
Your days of insecurity, leave them behind you.
You’re in a different place now.
You know your worth, and whoever failed to see it, so be it.
You’re not that person anymore.
You don’t need them to see.
And that’s all that matters.
Harness your worth, and leave the days of insecurity behind you.
With lots and lots of love,