The daze of my 21st birthday richly glided by in an odd, slowly manner- that time felt like drugs. Along with Spring Break, when time retrograded backwards in slow motion, and that time felt like drugs too.
I sit in my bathtub (its dry) with all of my clothes on, sunk inside with my legs dangling over the edge and my back sitting up straight. The coldness of the tile feels good against all of my senses, and even though I’m scrunched up, I feel comfortable. Sometimes I like to sit in the tub and listen to music. I like to write in there like it’s my perfect, little, pearl white office.
Recently this concept has been lingering in my head of basically, “Fuck it, I’m going to do something I like, and so what if it’s weird.”
Who the fuck even put that belief of sitting in my dry bathtub to be weird????
The last time I posted a blog was on March 2nd, and that feels like a fast forwarded century ago.
I’ve been living life these days.
I don’t know what the fuck I’ve been doing. I don’t know why I’ve been doing anything. I don’t know why I feel the way I do. I don’t know why I’m going to the places I’m going. I don’t know why I’m liking the people I like. Basically for an entire month, I’ve been waking up with the idea of “I don’t really know, but let’s just go.”
For the record, this is a mentality I’ve very recently adopted.
(We just became friends.)
I discovered a new personality trait within myself, and I think they call it confidence.
It feels nice.
I don’t know anything because I just don’t care anymore.
I do what I want, go where I want, say what I want, believe what I want, like who I want, and feel the way I want to feel. No exceptions. I do what’s most true to me, and I do what makes me happy, because it is when I do those things that I am truly being myself.
Have you ever asked yourself if whether or not who you are is authentically who you are, or actually just the conditioned version of yourself that you probably subconsciously hate?
Through all of my blog posts and writing, I’ve been making claims and I’ve been stating things that matter to my heart- but I myself, not up until recently, have truly been living, speaking, being, or loving from my heart.
Everything was coming from a base of thought.
A moment of inspiration. A spark of an idea. A piece of my future vision being revealed. Those moments were the foundation of my inner self poking it’s way out of the plastic bag cage I’ve trapped it in.
I’ve been living like a puzzle, still searching for all of the pieces to make me whole.
I’ve been doing painful, exhausting, and irritating amounts of soul searching.
A lot of karmic lessons arrive when a person enters this phase of life where they start searching inside of themselves.
You know, that transitional “I’m actually becoming my true self and I finally accept that person inside who’s been nagging the fuck out of me for forever now.”
The real me has finally broken through from beneath the surface, and I actually feel the pull on my soul and mind. I feel the changes. I feel the pressure. I didn’t try to make any of this happen, it just did. I reached a natural transitional period of my life and didn’t resist it.
I feel amazing.
Everything has changed, even though it’s all the same.
This is a type of experience where all the pipes inside of your mind and soul start to turn and twist; this is a type of experience where the conditioned and fixed version of who you’ve always been burns away from the inside out and leaves your mind and soul raw, vibrant, and slimy.
You feel wet and defenseless inside, as if all of your old beliefs are burning away like a cocaine nasal drip down the back of your throat, burning through everything it comes into contact with down the way.
You feel change being forced upon you.
You’ve technically become brand new, but in a paradoxical way- because you actually just shed away all of who you no longer agree to be.
Maybe you’re due for a viscous spring cleaning, just like I was.
Are there parts of you that you just don’t understand anymore? Are you doing things that you’ve always done and you’re sort of asking yourself now, “why am I even doing this still?”
As Usher once said, “let it burn.”
Once you’ve completely ripped through and outgrown something, you can’t fit back into it anymore.
It’s April 6th, 2016, and I’m here to tell you- It’s time to let go, my friends.
Catch a new vibe.
Ride your own wave.
We have to reach discomfort, and continue on anyway.
We have to embrace every new thing, especially new parts of ourselves.
We can’t feel bad anymore about being who we truly are.
I am a person who enjoys to write and listen to music scrunched up inside of my dry and cold bathtub.
Here I am.
I’m not going anywhere. I’m stuck with me for life.
Like character Pennsatucky told Boo in season 3 of Orange Is The New Black,
“Hey, well, listen, if that’s who you are, then that’s who you are. And there’s no use in fightin’ it, and if you ain’t gonna fight it, you might as well embrace it, or else you’re living in purgatory.”
I recently finished Season 3 of OITNB and when I watched that episode and heard that line, I laughed to myself and thought,
Damn. That really is true.
Life without self-acceptance really is like living in purgatory.
Why the caution? Why the worry? Why the timid and submissive nature, the fearful and insecure thoughts?
I am changing and I don’t care.
I don’t “feel” like myself anymore. I just am myself.
Don’t fight the gut feelings and voices inside of your head telling you to let go. Don’t keep resisting the change you probably consistently feel that you need.
Fight for you.
It is the greatest battle you will ever face, and that is exactly why it’s the greatest victory you will ever achieve.
Let the real you shred through your meaningless and dead skin of social and family conditioning.
Reach out and grab onto the new you. Hang tight onto that person, and enjoy the ride.
Right now you are who you are, and well, you have every right to be it.