#OYEEZYVIBES: Poet Vulnerability (Pilot)

“You think if you’re near her, if you stand in her light, you’ll finally do stuff that matters. Because you need to believe that there’s something greater than a 9 to 5 crap job. That there’s a higher purpose. That your life has meaning because the world feels big and you feel lost. Am I right?”

Right.

And my eyes water because feeling small and lost in a big and vibrant world is scary.

 

It’s so scary that my bones shiver and my mind spazzes around and around, and around again.

Because I spend time thinking of my life and I hold onto the slightest understanding that I

do have, of my complex and ever changing soul.

 

A higher purpose; something I can’t stop believing in.

 

For if I don’t believe in something higher, I will sink to the lowest depths of this earth, and I will rot with reality like so many people all around the world already have.

So I believe in love, and I believe in purpose, because if not- what else would there be for me to believe?

 

So I dream.

And I love.

 

And I find purpose in the smallest moments that don’t change a single thing, but they make me feel- and as long as I am feeling, I know I’m alive.

 

As long as I am alive, I only hope to feel.

 

Whether that be suffering and agony, or failure, over and over again- as long as I am feeling, I have hope and purpose, and it beams inside of me like the burning sun.

 

So I will express the desperation that eats away at me inside without any shame.

I will say the things that I probably shouldn’t say.

I will take risks that will most likely lead me to pain.

I will love, and love, and love, until I am driven absolutely insane.

 

But at least I can say that I lived with purpose.

A purpose to feel.

To feel so deeply, that even on my death bed, I will still remember what it felt like to feel so alive.

 

I will cry and go manic, and then I will wake up the next morning with a smile on my face. I will continue to radiate with a dream for love. And when the moon is out that night, I will drift away again into darkness, and I will ponder on all the pain, and again I will come back to life, and I will dream of more love.

 

I will drown under the waves of life, and come up gasping for air each time.

I will never stop searching for life.

 I will never stop feeling.

Everything.

 

In a world where everyone would rather have a practical and stable relationship, and everyone would rather have a practical and stable job-

I will die in the middle of tragedy.

 

I will love so intensely that my heart will shatter into thousands of pieces, and be born again ready for another battle. I will reach so high for the stars and work so hard for the ideal dream that consumes my mind, that I will sacrifice every comfortable opportunity of life. I will choose discomfort and the unknown, I will choose risk, and I will sacrifice in order to risk it all.

I will drown myself in my own emotional depths,

and I won’t come up for air until I have found the key to immortal faith and love.

 

Because I would rather live a life of suffering, danger, and risk, then to live a life where I am a dead fish floating along the sea of circumstances.

I will swim the sharks and hunt on prey with no fear.

Nothing will get in my way besides death.

And even that, I do not fear.

 

I choose a life of radical change, and I choose a life of ups and downs.

Because at least in this life, I am moving.

At least in this life, I am free to feel.

In this life I am doing nothing but dying, but at least through every death, I will still feel alive, and be born again.