“You think if you’re near her, if you stand in her light, you’ll finally do stuff that matters. Because you need to believe that there’s something greater than a 9 to 5 crap job. That there’s a higher purpose. That your life has meaning because the world feels big and you feel lost. Am I right?”

Right.

And my eyes water because feeling small and lost in a big and vibrant world is scary.

 

It’s so scary that my bones shiver and my mind spazzes around and around, and around again.

Because I spend time thinking of my life and I hold onto the slightest understanding that I

do have, of my complex and ever changing soul.

 

A higher purpose; something I can’t stop believing in.

 

For if I don’t believe in something higher, I will sink to the lowest depths of this earth, and I will rot with reality like so many people all around the world already have.

So I believe in love, and I believe in purpose, because if not- what else would there be for me to believe?

 

So I dream.
And I love.

 

And I find purpose in the smallest moments that don’t change a single thing, but they make me feel- and as long as I am feeling, I know I’m alive.

 

As long as I am alive, I only hope to feel.

 

Whether that be suffering and agony, or failure, over and over again- as long as I am feeling, I have hope and purpose, and it beams inside of me like the burning sun.

 

So I will express the desperation that eats away at me inside without any shame.

I will say the things that I probably shouldn’t say.

I will take risks that will most likely lead me to pain.

I will love, and love, and love, until I am driven absolutely insane.

 

But at least I can say that I lived with purpose.

A purpose to feel.

To feel so deeply, that even on my death bed, I will still remember what it felt like to feel so alive.

 

I will cry and go manic, and then I will wake up the next morning with a smile on my face. I will continue to radiate with a dream for love. And when the moon is out that night, I will drift away again into darkness, and I will ponder on all the pain, and again I will come back to life, and I will dream of more love.

 

I will drown under the waves of life, and come up gasping for air each time.
I will never stop searching for life.
 I will never stop feeling.

Everything.

 

In a world where everyone would rather have a practical and stable relationship, and everyone would rather have a practical and stable job-

I will die in the middle of tragedy.

 

I will love so intensely that my heart will shatter into thousands of pieces, and be born again ready for another battle. I will reach so high for the stars and work so hard for the ideal dream that consumes my mind, that I will sacrifice every comfortable opportunity of life. I will choose discomfort and the unknown, I will choose risk, and I will sacrifice in order to risk it all.

I will drown myself in my own emotional depths,

and I won’t come up for air until I have found the key to immortal faith and love.

 

Because I would rather live a life of suffering, danger, and risk, then to live a life where I am a dead fish floating along the sea of circumstances.

I will swim the sharks and hunt on prey with no fear.

Nothing will get in my way besides death.

And even that, I do not fear.

 

I choose a life of radical change, and I choose a life of ups and downs.

Because at least in this life, I am moving.

At least in this life, I am free to feel.

In this life I am doing nothing but dying, but at least through every death, I will still feel alive, and be born again.
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