“You think if you’re near her, if you stand in her light, you’ll finally do stuff that matters. Because you need to believe that there’s something greater than a 9 to 5 crap job. That there’s a higher purpose. That your life has meaning because the world feels big and you feel lost. Am I right?”
And my eyes water because feeling small and lost in a big and vibrant world is scary.
It’s so scary that my bones shiver and my mind spazzes around and around, and around again.
Because I spend time thinking of my life and I hold onto the slightest understanding that I
do have, of my complex and ever changing soul.
A higher purpose; something I can’t stop believing in.
For if I don’t believe in something higher, I will sink to the lowest depths of this earth, and I will rot with reality like so many people all around the world already have.
So I believe in love, and I believe in purpose, because if not- what else would there be for me to believe?
So I dream.
And I love.
And I find purpose in the smallest moments that don’t change a single thing, but they make me feel- and as long as I am feeling, I know I’m alive.
As long as I am alive, I only hope to feel.
Whether that be suffering and agony, or failure, over and over again- as long as I am feeling, I have hope and purpose, and it beams inside of me like the burning sun.
So I will express the desperation that eats away at me inside without any shame.
I will say the things that I probably shouldn’t say.
I will take risks that will most likely lead me to pain.
I will love, and love, and love, until I am driven absolutely insane.
But at least I can say that I lived with purpose.
A purpose to feel.
To feel so deeply, that even on my death bed, I will still remember what it felt like to feel so alive.
I will cry and go manic, and then I will wake up the next morning with a smile on my face. I will continue to radiate with a dream for love. And when the moon is out that night, I will drift away again into darkness, and I will ponder on all the pain, and again I will come back to life, and I will dream of more love.
I will drown under the waves of life, and come up gasping for air each time.
I will never stop searching for life.
I will never stop feeling.
In a world where everyone would rather have a practical and stable relationship, and everyone would rather have a practical and stable job-
I will die in the middle of tragedy.
I will love so intensely that my heart will shatter into thousands of pieces, and be born again ready for another battle. I will reach so high for the stars and work so hard for the ideal dream that consumes my mind, that I will sacrifice every comfortable opportunity of life. I will choose discomfort and the unknown, I will choose risk, and I will sacrifice in order to risk it all.
I will drown myself in my own emotional depths,
and I won’t come up for air until I have found the key to immortal faith and love.
Because I would rather live a life of suffering, danger, and risk, then to live a life where I am a dead fish floating along the sea of circumstances.
I will swim the sharks and hunt on prey with no fear.
Nothing will get in my way besides death.
And even that, I do not fear.
I choose a life of radical change, and I choose a life of ups and downs.
Because at least in this life, I am moving.
At least in this life, I am free to feel.