July 28th, 2016:
“I don’t have to be a monster— and she shouldn’t ever feel like a target or a victim. I’m going to bed with sadness and regret, but I will fix it and find joy by the morning.
By the grace of God, we’re given another day, another chance to make things right. So maybe that’s exactly what I will do.”
July 29th, 2016:
“I don’t know; these are just my thoughts, and maybe they mean nothing.”
July 30th, 2016:
“I threw up the half a bottle of Fireball that I downed. Then I fell asleep in the car for like ten minutes, and woke up with a smile still on my face.”
July 31st, 2016:
“I feel like I can’t be swayed by any winds, no matter how violent and fast they may be.
I think I am going to fall in love soon. Very soon.
I can feel it.”
August 1st, 2016:
“I feel like I’m finally able to see myself clearly, so it doesn’t even matter what other people are seeing.
Clarity is a gift from God.”
August 2nd, 2016:
“I’ve realized that I’m a manipulative, and selfish liar sometimes. I can cheat and ride both sides of a fence. I try to hide these traits, but today all of my shadows came to light and were brought to the surface.
These parts of me no longer exist.”
August 3rd, 2016:
“Lately I just feel cold and heartless, like I wouldn’t care if we stopped being friends at all. I just wouldn’t. It’s just too much already. Sometimes love just isn’t enough, and I believe in the death of emotions.”
August 4th, 2016: “The old me is dead. I don’t need to keep any more dead things alive.”
August 5th, 2016:
After everything, it’s crazy- but I still feel blessed.”
August 6th, 2016:
“Gina told me all about how she used to have a Tarot deck when she was younger, and we were talking about crystals and oils, too. That stuff makes me happy because that’s the stuff I’m truly passionate about. I wish we could just get paid based off the amount of pure and powerful passion we have inside for things. That’d be great.”
August 7th, 2016:
“I figure it’s better for me to devote my mind and time to things I actually enjoy and maybe even be a loner for awhile, if that’s what I’m becoming. An artsy loner. But I know this much— my destiny is knocking. I can feel it in my energy when I’m focused on doing the things I love. I am going to manifest something great. Something is building up within me and it’s setting my heart on fire.”
August 8th, 2016:
“I felt magic for the first time ever. But of course, today we didn’t talk all day long. And that’s just life.”
August 9th, 2016:
“Today I made a promise to God, and a promise to the Universe that I am truly surrendering. That I am letting go of my superficiality and shallowness. I declared my heart open for spiritual development, and told God that I want to be used as an instrument within the Universe to fulfill my purpose here on Earth. Which I truly believe is spirituality/intuitive work. I am devoting my life to spirit and channeling spirit through my writing. I decided today that I am devoting my life to the highest good, to the Universe, and to God.”
August 10th, 2016: “I worry being away at UCF, I am missing things… or that things are going to happen and I won’t get here in time, or really be able to be here. But that’s the crossroad I’ve been stuck at since I was a child. Be around my family, or be alone, happy with myself.
I still always feel a pulse of guilt whenever I choose me.”
August 11th, 2016:
“A lonely chameleon— bored, and looking for purpose. Sometimes, just looking for some fun. I’ve turned myself into someone that I don’t even connect with. My own self, I don’t feel any connection to. At all.
Except when I am deeply sad. That is when I catch a glimpse of that girl inside. That girl who just wanted to be important. And you know what? Maybe I will never be that important to anyone. Maybe no one will ever truly see me as a best friend. Maybe no one will ever want to marry me. Maybe I will make a terrible mother. Maybe I am not meant to be important to anyone on earth except myself. Maybe I am the friend who’s been missing, the unrequited love that was never received, the disconnect to motherly and natural concepts…
Maybe it’s all been me. Just me. Destroying everything I can before it can get the chance to destroy me. Maybe I am nothing more than a common denominator in all of the tragedy I’ve faced within my life. Maybe it’s all been me. Just me.”
August 12th, 2016:
“The strangest thing about today is the fact that I was anxious, angry, and depressed for most of the day. I could barely break out of it, and all I can think now is, damn. What a waste. It was a great day to let my emotions control me, and just ruin it.”
August 13th, 2016:
This time I’m really going to miss Mommy. A lot. We’ve spent a lot of time together these past three weeks and I know we’re both going to miss each other a lot. But we both will be fine. I know it.
I’m going to make these last 5 days count.”
August 14th, 2016:
“I’m shocked that none of it phases me and I’m truly just happy to be alive, and be surprised… Love is all around me. I’m a lucky girl.”
August 15th, 2016:
“I’m starting to realize the biggest lesson that I’ve been fighting with all year— learning to be okay with not knowing what’s going to happen, or why. Learning to be okay with the unknown. The Peace Dealer on Youtube made a great point; he basically said, ‘If you still have worry and doubt, then you don’t really have faith.’ And he’s right. I’ve let myself get off track, but now I can see the lesson… It is God. It is spirit. It is faith.
I have to take responsibility for my energy. I have to choose to find happiness every single day.”
August 16th, 2016: “When I left, well, before I left, she gave me a big hug. And we both kind of froze there. Not wanting to let go, but also not having the courage to say anything. We just hugged in silence for a few solid seconds. Maybe five. I don’t know whats left for me and her, I hope growth. But if it ends here for us, one thing remains- so much of me will forever be parts of her… and I will love her for the rest of this lifetime. No matter what.”
August 18th, 2016:
“Today it was raining and while Mommy was picking up Chinese food, I went outside in my clothes and just stood in the rain and rubbed my arms and face and hands with the rain water. I smiled and looked up, and spoke into the Universe. I declared that I was releasing myself from the self imposed prison I’ve created. I literally pictured myself breaking and dropping the chains attached to me. I told the Universe that I truly let go and wholeheartedly embrace whatever is coming my way next. I let go today. I really did.”
Check out my blog for my next post in The Fleeting Feelings Series.
This pilot post ending on the 18th- expect my next post to be entries starting from August 19th-the end of August.
I hope you all enjoy this series as much as I have grown to enjoy daily journaling.
With lots and lots of love, #oyeezyvibes